Catullus, You Wretch!

My very free translation of Catullus No. 8:

Catullus, you wretch, stop being such a sucker!
Accept that what’s gone, is gone.
Sure, the days were sunny for you
When you followed that girl around
who led you everywhere by the nose.
You loved her more than anyone ever will.

Yeah, the days were sunny, all right.
But she doesn’t want you anymore,
So forget her, you poor schmuck.
Don’t chase her all over the place like a lovesick puppy
Or sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
Instead, try being a man for once. Be cool.

So long, my little chickadee! I don’t need you anymore!
Don’t expect me to come looking for you,
Or to ask my friends what you’re up to these days.
And you’ll be sad when you don’t hear from me.

Bitch! Go to hell. What kind of life will you have now?
Who’s going to ask you out, or tell you how hot you look?
Whose lips will you slobber on? Who would ever call you his girl?
As for me, I’m like a statue. I will survive.