Man, the American Pie franchise was one of the biggest hit series of the '90s and '00s. Why didn't our careers take off like they were supposed to?
Well, I'm a total hot mess who's famous for getting the worst tummy tuck of all time.
I made a bunch of public comments revealing that I'm kind of a sexist meathead.
I married my agent, who was, like, 30 years older than me, and I think that might have creeped everyone out. But hang on, I divorced him! Hire me?
Hey, speak for yourselves. I had a recurring cameo in the Harold & Kumar movies, along with the guy from Numb3rs! Top that, Biggs!
Who am I? Was I in these movies? Even I don't remember me.
Ha! I don't care about my career because I'm actually like this in real life! Dude, I'm so wasted!!!
Man, you're all losers. I was in a Woody Allen movie, for chrissake. You know, the one with Christina Ricci???
Um, actually, so was I. The one with Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman. So, yeah.
OK, fine. I guess none of our careers really went anywhere after American Pie.
(Ahem.)
Bitch.