Monday, July 9, 2012

An Imagined Conversation Among the Cast of American Reunion



Man, the American Pie franchise was one of the biggest hit series of the '90s and '00s. Why didn't our careers take off like they were supposed to?


Well, I'm a total hot mess who's famous for getting the worst tummy tuck of all time.


I made a bunch of public comments revealing that I'm kind of a sexist meathead.


I married my agent, who was, like, 30 years older than me, and I think that might have creeped everyone out. But hang on, I divorced him! Hire me?


Hey, speak for yourselves. I had a recurring cameo in the Harold & Kumar movies, along with the guy from Numb3rs! Top that, Biggs!


Who am I? Was I in these movies? Even I don't remember me.


Ha! I don't care about my career because I'm actually like this in real life! Dude, I'm so wasted!!!


Man, you're all losers. I was in a Woody Allen movie, for chrissake. You know, the one with Christina Ricci???


Um, actually, so was I. The one with Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman. So, yeah.


OK, fine. I guess none of our careers really went anywhere after American Pie.


(Ahem.)


Bitch.